Conflict Resolution

The Harmonic patterns of the Enneagram tell us how each type reacts when they don't get what they want. This reaction includes their response to stress, crisis, and conflict.

When we are in conflict with another person, our personality structures often get in the way. We become frustrated because the other person doesn't see things the same way we do. By not communicating at the same level, we are unable to agree on the scope and importance of the problem. Furthermore we may disagree on the method to resolve it.

The following tables list each combination of harmonic groups. For each combination, we list the reaction of each person to the conflict and some of the issues that arise because of the two parties operating on the same (or different) level. Furthermore, we list suggestions to better connect with the other party in the dispute to resolve it.

Harmonic Approaches

There are three Harmonic approaches:

Conflict Combinations

vs.

Reaction to Conflict

Agreement that there is no problem or that it really isn't worth arguing. “Problem? What problem?”

Conflict Resolution Strategies

Remind yourselves that the problem won’t go away by itself. You must acknowledge the problem and resolve it. Things will be better once the problem has been dealt with. If dealing with the problem is overwhelming, be committed to at least spending short amounts of time on it.

vs.

Reaction to Conflict

Both you and the other person agree that this is a big deal. Both of you react emotionally and feel that the other person understands the importance of the problem. Feel better after venting. Mutual catharsis. May build off each other’s worry and catastrophize. “This is terrible! What are we going to do?” “There’s nothing we can do, this is terrible!”

Conflict Resolution Strategies

Remind yourselves that the conflict or problem is not the end of the world. Venting and resolving your feelings doesn’t address the root cause of the problem Remind yourselves to address the problem rather than just worrying about it.

vs.

Reaction to Conflict

Agreement that we can find a logical solution. There may be further (but civilized) disagreement about the right method in which to solve the problem. Neither of us gets emotional about the problem – we dispassionately find the most efficient and practical method for solving it.

“OK, we’re both adults, let’s solve this problem. Get out the clipboard and checklist.”

Conflict Resolution Strategies

Remember that rules and logic alone can’t solve all the world’s problems. Consider the feelings of others and the human impact of your solutions. You can’t solve emotional problems in purely rational and logical manner. It’s important to deal with the emotional content of your problems.

vs.

Reaction to Conflict

[Reactive]
The other person denies that a problem exists or minimizes its importance. You feel that they don’t really understand the magnitude of the problem. The more I expressing my concerns (emotionally), the more they seem to ignore them. They may also change the subject or distract you away from the problem. “I’m ticked off, and you should be, too! Why does this not upset you?”

 

 [Positive Outlook]
The other person just keeps repeating how bad the situation is. They are overly-pessimistic. It seems they won’t be happy until they’ve made me upset. “I don’t think this is such a big deal.” “Isn’t it a beautiful day outside?”

Conflict Resolution Strategies

[Reactive]
Remember that the other person has a hard time dealing with negative or painful feelings. Don’t expect the other person to react as you do. Try to keep the focus on solving the problem rather than repeating what a bad situation it is.

  

[Positive Outlook]
Recognize that the other person needs you to acknowledge the presence and importance of the problem. Paraphrase the other person’s concerns.

vs.

Reaction to Conflict

[Positive Outlook]
The other person is focusing too much on the details of the problem. The other person keeps repeating that there’s this problem that must be solved. I don’t think there’s a problem (or if there is, it’s not really a big deal). Sometimes I think that the other person should just go off and fix the problem by himself. “Why are you being so negative?” “Fine, we’ll talk about it for 5 minutes and then go watch TV.”

 

 [Competency]
I have a problem-solving approach and strategy all set up, but the other person doesn’t want to solve this problem. Sometimes, I think the other person doesn’t even believe there is a problem to fix. “OK, let’s look at the problem, focus on it, and solve it.”

Conflict Resolution Strategies

[Positive Outlook]
Recognize that the other person really wants to solve the problem. In fact, they may take charge in the problem solving effort, but they still want your input.

 

[Competency]
Appeal to their desire to have a positive outcome. Remind them that, with their input, we can solve this problem together quickly and soon have it behind us.

vs.

Reaction to Conflict

[Reactive]
The other person doesn’t respond emotionally – they don’t appear to think this issue is very important. You get frustrated because the other person is jumping ahead to solving the problem before you’ve had a chance to fully understand and internalize the scope and magnitude of the problem. “Why are you trying to solve a problem we don’t fully understand?”

 

 [Competency]
The other person is overreacting – they get overly emotional and pessimistic. The other person frustrates me because s/he keeps focusing on how bad the problem is without wanting to fix it. I’m trying to resolve this problem, but s/he is stuck dwelling on it. “Yes, I know there’s a problem, I’m trying to solve it.”

Conflict Resolution Strategies

[Reactive]
Don’t expect the other person to react emotionally, because they are not usually comfortable expressing their feelings. You can communicate your concerns more effectively through logic than through feelings.

  

[Competency]
Try to express some emotional concern, either for the magnitude of the problem, or your desire to fix it. If you can’t respond emotionally, try to paraphrase what they are saying to acknowledge their concerns.