One of the most frequently questions that comes up when we talk about the Enneagram and relationships is:
Each Enneagram type has both positive and negative traits. If we take type One as an example: we have at their high functioning side a person who is very respectful, conscientious and accepting of others. At their low side, type Ones can be judgmental, faultfinding and critical of others.
So, is type One a good match for you?
It depends.
You would probably get along better with a One who expresses their high side more than their low side. What about type Eight? Do Eights have a high functioning side? Of course they do! In fact, all types have a high side. They all have positive characteristics that contribute to the love and security of their relationships.
Our type is less important than what we do with our type. Although each type brings different virtues and issues into their relationships, there’s no type that’s automatically more compatible with you. At the same time, there’s no type that’s incompatible with you. In short, the quality of your relationship – your ability to get along – is not determined by which type you are.
Most of the time, we tend to go through life with a lot of mental chatter going on about pain or pleasure, past or future; we’re self-conscious; we worry, we regret, we anticipate. We can get ourselves so worked up that we’re physically tense and emotionally drained. We’re so preoccupied that we no longer experience the richness and the fullness of the moment. We’re so preoccupied that we no longer experience the richness and the fullness of our relationships.
What is it that’s preoccupying us?
In short, it’s our personality.
Our personality governs how we pay attention: how we see ourselves and how we see the world. Each personality type is naturally accustomed to seeing the world from only one point of view. The more attached we get to our perspective; the more we pay attention to only those things that support our assumptions and beliefs. And the less we notice everything else going on. In that sense, our personality pulls our attention away from the present moment and preoccupies us with our identity and values.
But, when we have a quiet mind, a heart that’s open and still, and a body that’s grounded in the here and now, our attention is here, we show up, we’re present. When we’re present, we see ourselves as we really are beneath all the notions of who we think we are. We realize that we are more than just our personality. We understand that we have many more qualities than just those we use and those we’re are familiar with. Presence is an awareness of our True Essential Nature.
And when I am present in the moment with myself, I am present with you. I relate to you as you are, not as the person I think you are and not as the person I want you to be. I accept you as you are without presumption or judgement. Isn’t that what a real relationship is all about?